I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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