dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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