I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
