He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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