so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
