K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
