Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
