Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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