I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Let's paint friendship bongs
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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