Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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