Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
