i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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