ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
