her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
