Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
