it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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