i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I want a musical about memes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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