Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
