Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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