my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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