This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
