I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
