i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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