your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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