He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You are a genius and a whore.
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