I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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