just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
