Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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