Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
