I'm really into asian looking animals
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
