I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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