I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
