yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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