he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
