just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
