when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
