I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
