I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
