I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
