you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
