I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
