So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
