Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
