Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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