3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
