hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
