We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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