I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
