She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
