i jhust puked up my retainher.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
