i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
