I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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